Torn

I had trouble sleeping last night. I had pain all over my body. And songs with suicidal lyrics keep replaying over and over again in my head. I woke up in the morning. As usual. Then to iron my husband's clothes. I wish he could take care of his own self. Seriously. In my condition now I can't afford to think of caring for someone else. I'm broken myself.

I went to work. For a video making workshop. The whole day I was feeling meh, but I got what was thought today. 

Lunch hour, I posted the gifts which I should have posted yesterday. Nevertheless I did it so yeay. 

Then the workshop continued. So yeah. I was lost again.

Before I went back I spoke to the superior beside me about the offer to transfer me to community clinic. I told her I could not. Coz I am unstable. Being suicidal I am now.

She suggested taking a break. A long one.

I told her I got lots of pending work.

She said it's gonna be back logged anyway even with me coming to work in this condition. Let others replace me at least they are not that annoyed because they'll get allowance and the job gets done.

Sigh. I'm torn. To take a break like...

Half pay leave or unpaid leave, can I really do that? Will I be better? What about the commitment I have? The bills to be paid. My husband is no one to lean to. But I really need to go away. I AM REALLY TORN.

...

AND

suicidal again.